Facing Mortality: Roles to fill

My housemate's mother passed away in July 2014 and my housemate is acting as the estate's personal representative. This post is inspired by her experience.

One of the steps in making a will is sounding out the folks you want to have roles in your estate plan:

The (possible) roles:

• personal representative: (aka the executor of your estate) who has primary legal power and responsibility to wind up your affairs and transfer your assets to your heirs 
• heirs: folks who would receive goods or money from your estate. In most cases you don't need to ask in advance if someone wants to be your beneficiary; however, if you have pets it is good manners to ask if someone wants to be the heirs of your pets and take responsibility for them. 
• funeral/ wake/ memorial planner: This is not information that would go in your will as such, but most estate planning binders have a section for your funeral plans and if you have a friend / religious organizations/ prepaid funeral who can do this job, it would be one less thing your personal representative would have to manage. 
• guardian of minor children: if not the same person as your personal representative. Note that even if you have a spouse, you need a backup guardian. 

It can save time if you find candidates for these roles before you start working with an attorney. On the flip side, any good attorney you consult with should be able to give you a list of what you will need to bring to your appointment in order for them to draft the will. In some cases, one person will take on all of the roles listed above. 

Always ask before giving someone a role in your estate. It is a heavy load on top of their every-day life and their grief on losing you (think of it like asking someone to take on a part-time job on top of their usual responsibilities). Look for someone who finds the idea of helping you and your loved ones as a gift they can give you and not an onerous duty to take on. Closing out your estate properly can be a way to allow them to say goodbye in love and service.

Facing Mortality: What to look for in a personal representative

My housemate's mother passed away in July 2014 and my housemate is acting as the estate's personal representative. This post is inspired by her experience.

Things to look for in a personal representative:

• Trustworthy-- you are giving them full control over your estate. 
• Practical-- they should be good at following up on deadlines and dealing with the basics of life like paying bills. 
• Detail oriented/ organized: they will be keeping up with their household responsibilities and yours for an uncertain amount of time (particularly if you own your home). 
• Physically and emotionally capable (or with good support systems of their own). 
• Lives near you (preferably less than an hour away). 

Note that none of these is "related to you". If you have a relation who can be this person, Huzzah! However, don't feel bad/guilty about recruiting a friend instead (but tell your family once you do so it is not a surprise). 

Think of it this way-- your personal representative is going to be going though your underwear drawer and likely learning a lot more about you than you can imagine. Pick someone you trust-- not someone who you think it is your duty to pick.

Facing Mortality

My housemate's mother passed away in July 2014 and my housemate is acting as the estate's personal representative. This post is inspired by her experience.

Okay, I know almost no one who likes thinking about their own mortality, but for the love of pete (and your executor/loved ones) take the time and make plans now, while you are healthy and of sound mind. You don't need anything complicated (especially if you don't have a lot of assets). 

I'm not a lawyer and I don't even play one on TV, but based on watching other people go through this in my lifetime, her are some basic ideas to allow your grieving loved ones to grieve your loss without adding to their stress.

This is a time to remember that you may be the sole point of contact for several networks of friends, family, loved ones, professionals, government entities, and organizations. You are the only only person who makes this network work, once you are gone, a bewildered person is going to have to take up the reins of your life at least long enough to bring it gently to a halt and not have everything come crashing down around them.

1. Make a will. Regardless who draws it up make sure that it is clear and to the point and that you understand what you are legally asking your executor to do. Have an executor and an backup executor and make sure that they know about each other and consent to doing this for you. If you have children or pets make sure that your will is clear about who will be their guardians in your place. Get consent from those people before writing them into your will.

Your executor and backup should know where your Will and other important paper work is kept. If you change your organizational system, then tell them (or better show them so they can picture it if they need to). 

Do not put your will in a safe deposit box at a bank-- if your executor is not a signer on the account they will not be able to access it in a timely manner (much like "open box with enclosed crowbar").

2. Keep the following with your Will (and update it yearly-- most of this could go in a binder):

• any power of attorney/advance medical directives 
• how you want your remains disposed of (including details if you have a specific donation program arranged) 
• a list of insurance polices, if any (you may have a bunch of incidental polices through credit unions, work, or even credit cards-- they may not pay out, but if you signed up for them keep a list) 
• a copy/printout of your address book (if you are feeling particularly generous you could annotate it with clues for your executor as to how you know people) 
• a list of the banks and credit companies that you have accounts with 
• a list that describes where the title deeds to things like cars mobile homes RV's, or other assets are kept 
• a copy of your safe deposit box key (or a note where to find it and which bank it is at) 
• a list of major assets and identifying information (car, IRA's, house, pensions, etc.) 
• a list of personal property that you want to go to specific people (most wills have a clause that refers to such a document). 
• a list of agencies you regularly interact with & account numbers (Social Security, Medicare, any federal, state, local, or community organizations that either support you or that you support) 
• a list of your recurring monthly/quarterly/annual bills with account numbers and contact info (house payment, utility bills, property tax) 
• a list of your email, and social media accounts 

3. Review the contents of a safe deposit box annually (if you have one). 

Side note: If you have very specific body donation requests, that all needs to be arranged in advance with the program you hope to donate to. If they need proof a particular diagnosis for your body to be useful in their study-- lining that up now and making sure the person with your medical power of attorney knows the details will make it much more likely you can benefit science in the way you want.

Even if you are an organ donor, it is good to make sure that the loved ones/family who would likely be charge at your death know your wishes. Giving people time to get used to the idea makes it more likely your intentions will be honored-- especially given that there is a very short time window after death for plans to be confirmed and carried out.

The upside to all of this is that if you go through the steps of getting organized all you have to do is update it once a year and cull old/outdated information and if you have some other type of crisis (that doesn't result in you dying) you will be able to quickly lay your hands on important documents in an emergency.

Quick test: If you own a car, can you find the title in under 5 minutes?  

Now imagine your stressed out loved one trying to find it in amongst all of your other things.

Organize your paperwork and document your wishes and then put it aside and live your life.

Lost Year

15 May 2015

This time last year, I was exited about costuming and having a whole year to work on things for the next Norwescon.  My family and I were also in the midst of finishing our new kitchen and preparing our house for our housemate (and my CPiC*)’s mother.  She was coming to stay with us to have surgery and it was our plan that she would stay with us for several months as she recuperated from a major operation.  It was all of our hope that he operation would result in a long-term improvement in her quality of life.

The night before she went into surgery, she and I talked. It would be the last time I would see her.

At first the surgery and recovery seemed to be going well; however, it soon became apparent that she wasn’t recovering.  Not long after that it was clear it was only a matter of time before she died.

Our housemate sat vigil by her mother throughout.  I baked as a way to cope and sent the results to the hospital for the family.

Since then our household has been through a lot.  CPiC has been dealing with being her mother’s personal representive, my husband has had both work and health stress, and in January I came down with a mystery illness.

Needless to say, last year’s idea of documenting my costuming adventures in this space did not come to fruition. 

What I did manage to do over the past year is experience, at close range, what it like to be the personal representative for a small estate and talking about that on Facebook.  It recently occurred to me that this information might be more useful (and findable) on this blog— so in the next few days I’ll be updating this blog with those posts.

*CPiC = Costuming Partner-in-crime

Complicated Mother's Day

I'm seeing a bunch of Mother's day reminders popping up on my Facebook feed and plastered across the internet. 

I'm not a big fan of Mother's day in part because it seems to divide women into have and have nots. I know a wide spectrum of women: child free by choice, childless by (un)luck, moms who had children who died, or were injured so severely that the child they 'knew' is gone, I know moms by adoption, and birth moms, and grandmothers all over the map. And while everyone currently living has, or has had a mom, there doesn't seem to be much thought given to those who had terrible moms, or who lost their moms young, or feel estranged from their families.

Mother's day seems to so heartlessly focus on the 'joy' of being a mother while demanding silence from all those who don't fit the Hallmark Image of joyful, womanly motherhood. I'm not the most maternal of moms-- but luckily my son has other adults in his life who model different ways of being there for him than I do.

I have pretty much the same issues with Father's day. Both seem so relentlessly cheerful as holidays. They don't allow for grief, or loss, or other modes of mothering and fathering.

Sometimes the people who are the best and highest examples of Mother and Father aren't covered by the standard range of Hallmark Cards.

(cross-posted from my Facebook page)

Diary of a costume hobbyist (days 8-14)

April 28- May 4 2014

Pretty much all of this week was me trying to get over the cold of doom and not succeeding. I did manage to work on applying finish to the kitchen cabinets, but that used up what little energy I had. No costuming for me this week-- but that didn't stop me from thinking about it.

Me, but different

The best compliment I ever got on a costume was this past year at Norwescon. I was visiting the art show and looking at the works submitted by the various artists when a person looking at me said that the didn’t know what she liked better, coming to the art show and seeing art that people had made or going through the convention and seeing the art that people were wearing. Then she pointed me out to her companion.

Costuming is my art form, and it is a difficult one to do as a stand-alone hobby. Costuming is frequently seen as part of something else and not it’s own thing. Fashion is it’s own thing but what I do isn’t fashion— it doesn’t trickle into my daywear in the way that some high end fashion concepts make their way into ready-to-wear. I design costumes because I love taking an idea and making a real thing that I wear and experience. I think it must be closest to performance art—I get something out of both making and wearing the piece and I hope that, at the very least, I brighten up my fellow Science Fiction/Fantasy fans convention experience but adding a visual element to the convention.

1993 Maenad costume

There is difficulty in designing a costume that conveys a message without the support of dialogue or sets, a known milieu, or even really character. Especially in my case as I don’t act as different character when I wear my costumes. I am always me, just in a different outfit. I am about as far as you can get from an actor. So the story my costumes convey has to come from the clothes themselves and it has to do it in the flash of a moment as I walk down a crowded hall and am seen by someone going the other direction.

I am a past master of the obscure costume that no one else understands. It has taken over 20 years to learn how to focus my designs to come up with something that ‘reads’ when I’m just walking around it. It helps that CPiC* and I tend to work together on costumes that go together. One year she was a valkyrie and I was her horse. This year we were figures from Greek mythology, fairies, ladies of action, and My Little Pirates. Having two costumes that are from the same “world” helps showcase the idea behind them-- even if the idea is as simple as “Fairies! Pretty!”

I still rely heavily on my costuming partner to help me rein in some of my magpie impulses and to ask provoking questions that give me insight into where I might be going wrong. As in any creative endeavor it helps to have an editor who I trust to tell me the truth about my creation.

I make these costumes to satisfy an deep impulse to bring images in my head to life. I have done this since I was a young girl who turned a shawl into a skirt so I could dance to West Side Story, who turned old-fashioned negligees into royal robes, and who wore a ratty cape rough-cut out of cloth and a succession of tin-foil “Queen” crowns to her kindergarten class. I don't know where this desire to be: “me, but through a different lens” came from but, like walking and reading, I can't remember a time when I didn't try to make wearable art that spoke not only to me, but to strangers on the street (or at least my fellow kindergarteners).

It has been fun and satisfying the past few years to feel like my own design skills are developing to the point where I can both make something that I am proud of and that I feel is a focused idea brought to life. I had years of frustration of creating costume after costume that was too abstract a concept, or too poorly constructed to convey the animating idea behind it. Now I have more ideas than I have time to build and it is very exciting to see them take shape.

*CPiC (Costuming Partner in Crime)

Diary of a Costume Hobbyist (days 1-7)

Overview

In the past I have used this blog-space mostly to share my thoughts and insights on my faith and faith community.  Recently I’ve been using my personal Facebook account to document the transformation of our kitchen as we remodeled it over the past 4 months.  That project is nearly complete and I have both enjoyed documenting the work we have done and found that sharing the work encouraged me to do the work (even the boring bits).

So, in the spirit of trying something new, I am going to try to keep a costuming diary for the next year as the lead up to Norwescon in April 2015.  I am going to start with Day 1 being the first day after Norwescon because that is really the day that i start preparing for the next Norwescon by cleaning, mending and putting away old costumes, and getting started designing at least one new costume for the next year.

Norwescon is our local Pacfic Northwest Science Fiction convention.  It happens every year on Easter Weekend.  My housemate, who I will hear after refer to as my Costuming Partner in Crime (CPiC), and I go every year and we like to have a different costume to wear for each of the 4 days of the convention. 

Our other main costuming event is our household Halloween Party every October.  Between those two events we wind up with two major deadlines to get things done for. 

My hope with this dairy is to keep a daily log of what I have worked on (if anything) and to write about some of what I learn as I work on various projects.

Unfortunately, my first week’s worth of costume log isn't very exciting, as I fell ill the day we got home from the convention.  

Hopefully I will have more to show as the year moves along. To liven things up a bit, here is a photo of one my favorite pieces I have ever made— an Egyptian style wide collar for my Bastet costume from 2010:

Daily Log:

Days 1-6 

Monday April 21- Saturday April 27, 2014

I came down sick with my costuming partner in crime’s cold.  Not surprising since we live together and we shared a hotel room for four days. No progress to report.

Day 7

Sunday, April 27th, 2014

I’m still sick but some energy is returning to me.  I took advantage of that energy to finish my laundry from Norwescon 2014.  I need to hand wash my corsets and a few other pieces, primarily from my Mrs Salmalin costume and my Flower Fairy costume.  By the end of the evening those pieces were all dry and ready to be either put away for the year, or put in the mending queue.

CPiC (Costuming Partner in Crime) and I both have some major projects on our plate and hope to clear the decks and get working. I made a list of what I hope to work on in the following year.  Next step: make a plan of attack.

Things I believe #296:

Things I believe #296: 

God doesn't give you a load to bear. God doesn't put trial and tribulations in your way. All of that is just life. Also known as "shit happens". God is the good friend who will listen to you when you are feeling low. God is there to remind you that (in the paraphrased word of Terry Pratchett) sin is treating people like things and things like people. God reminds you that you are worthy, you are human, you are imperfect and shit happening to you is not a test to be passed but an event, one of a series in your life. God is there to be a solid center, to be a home to come back to, a place to rest, replace your bandages and do another round of first aid on your friends before going out into the world again.

Shit happens. God loves you. The two are not connected.

Well regulated?

Warning: rambling talk of gun violence and related issues ahead-- skip if you are feeling overwhelmed and go look at some cute kitten pictures instead. I am personally limiting how much I read on this subject and encourage y'all to take care of yourselves.

I find it eerie and depressing that Bob Costas and Jon Stewart were talking about gun control and, in Stewart's case, the question of when is it okay to talk about gun violence and who gets to talk about gun violence just a few days before the latest mass shooting. I find it even more interesting that so-called 'conservative news' think they get to say who is qualified to talk about it and then go on to talk about all the different ways the bad guy of the day could have still carried out the latest attack of the day (and in the same creepy way that anti-gay advocates frequently get into overly graphic descriptions of gay sex when talking about keeping LBTQ people from having equal rights).

Personally, I would like there to be a severe restriction on civilian purchase of ammunition (since that is a consumable) for a few years while we figure out what needs to be put in place to help prevent all types of gun violence. If we, as a culture, are not willing to give up guns then we need to do a better job of gun safety and mental health advocacy in our country.

In addition, as a white person, I think white culture needs to step up and own the fact that we produce some of the most violent offenders in our nation. What is going on with us? Why do any of our young men feel that this is a solution to their problems? I don't have any answers and personally would be thrilled if we as a nation joined the rest of civilization, amended our constitution and banned guns. However, people I know and love have a long tradition of responsible gun use and I respect that. So how do we get the responsible gun owners to be the examples for our nation? How to we insure that people for whom guns are a dangerous temptation into violence and suicide don't have access?

Or should we adjust the 2nd amendment to say that we, as a nation accept that the risks of widespread "un-infringed" right to bear arms as including the death of innocent civilians-- because that is the reality we are living in.

A final note: I think the supreme court did our nation a huge disservice in ignoring basically the first half of the 2nd amendment in its decisions over the years:

"A well regulated militia being necessary to the security of a free state, the right of the people to keep and bear arms shall not be infringed."

Personally, I see nothing well-regulated in our current gun culture.

Daily Show: Any Given Gun Day - Bob Costas and Fox Newsshar.esConstant gun violence ensures there will never be a good time to talk about guns.